User manual MINI UNAUTHORIZED

[. . . ] UNAUTHORIZED OWNER'S MANUAL UNAUTHORIZED OWNER'S MANUAL This manual is not intended to help you understand the operation and maintenance of your motor vehicle. Rather, it is meant to provide you with invaluable information that would, under normal driving conditions, take most car owners months to discover for themselves. Information that has been painstakingly gleaned from many hours of vehicle operation. THE BASICS The Basics The Boot, the Bonnet & Commander Cooper 4 Detailing 4 Assigned Cabin Seating 4-5 Best Places to Stash Stuff in your MINI Coin Caddy 8 Toll Ticket Cranny 8 Glove/Ice Box Cooling/Heating Feature 8-9 Strategic Golf Club Placement 9 How to Fit a Bike 9 Secret Jogging Key Nook 10 Additional Storage Info 10 Customizing your MINI Motoring Accessories 12 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines 13 Air Fresheners 14 Cockpit Toggle Switch Conversation Starters 15 Proper Use of Bumper Stickers 15-16 Making Room for Romance in your MINI Public Displays of Affection (P. D. A. ) 18 The Backseat: An Introduction 18 Making Out in Your MINI 18 Unisex Chivalry 18 Tips for Shameless Flirting at Red Lights 18 Dating Tips for Married People 19 Unconventional Use of Headlamps to Attract Attention 20 Making Beautiful Music with your MINI Strumming on the Steering Wheel 22 Tapping on the Roof 22 Playing the Tubular Door Bezel 22 Activating the Turn Signals 22 Switching on the Windshield Wipers 22 Accelerator Wah-Wah Pedal 22-23 Essentials of Good Motoring Mojo Jump Starts 26 Acknowledging Fellow Motorers 26-27 Sharing Your MINI 28 Troubleshooting Rotating Your Shorts in Public 30 Four Things You Should Never do to Your MINI 31 Additional Reading 32 BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO TROUBLESHOOTING 2 3 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS CONTENTS ©2002 The Pollock-Krasner Foundation / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York The Boot, the Bonnet & Commander Cooper With a British car comes some rather foreign English terminology. The following are a few terms you can now use to impress your "mates": The "boot" is the bit around the back. [. . . ] Ohmmmm. 12 13 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE Motoring Accessories Swivel-hipped hula girls and bobbing doggie heads are standard equipment in many automobiles. But as a MINI owner, you may want to consider a few accessory options more suited to your motor vehicle's premium performance prowess. Fig. 11 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines: The Icons of Good Motoring Mojo STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Magic 8-Ball® is a trademark owned by and used by permission from Mattel, Inc. Your MINI becomes possessed by the spirit of a recently-deceased skunk. You chauffeur a couple of your alma mater's lacrosse team players who leave their sweaty gear in your backseat. Eventually, you may want to spruce things up: Sprig of Pine. Forget the faux eau-depublic-toilette imitations. The real thing is sweeter, and it's free. Or substitute fresh rosemary from your grocer's produce section. Toss rind portion on floor area of vehicle. Make them yourself, or hit the bakery on the way to her place. You want her thinking "nice homespun boy", not "Suzie Homemaker". (FEMALE OWNERS: Substitute fine cigars in glove box "humidor" for cookies. ) Fig. The perfect complement to optional on-board GPS navigation. "Should I supersize my onion rings?" "Signs point to yes. " Cockpit Toggle Switch Conversation Starters Refer to your factory-authorized MINI owner's manual to familiarize yourself with the layout of all dashboard instrumentation. Then refer to the pre-printed labels (included with this manual) for your own personalized customization. Proper Use of Bumper Stickers Recommended: 1. Motorer-related stickers function like post cards to strangers from a life welllived: "This car climbed Mt. Washington", "I got my kicks on Route 66", "Bat out of Carlsbad Cavern". Law School Alumni window decals will make others think twice about messing with you in a Constitutionallyinappropriate manner. 14 What it says: You're a magna cum law-abider. 14 15 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI THE BASICS Proper Use of Bumper Stickers Discouraged: Sometimes, though we have the best intentions, comedy can backfire in our faces like a cheap gag exploding cigar. As a conscientious law-abiding motorer, always ask yourself: "To whom am I really talking here"? [. . . ] The motoring equivalent to politely tipping your hat. Winking the Lights The motoring equivalent to batting your eyes. 'Sup! Peace Thumbs Up Motorer's Honor Royal Wave 1 Royal Wave 2 Commoner Wave 1 Commoner Wave 2 Roof Tap 1 Roof Tap 2 High Beams 1 High Beams 2 26 27 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO THE BASICS Sharing your MINI Use this simple diagnostic checklist to help you decide who is qualified to borrow your MINI in the likely event friends, relatives and coworkers should all request to use it simultaneously. The one who answers every question correctly gets to motor on. BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI (Photocopy and cut out for future use) TM/© 2002 The Estate of Peter Sellers by CMG Worldwide www. cmgww. com 1. Have you ever driven a six-speed manual Getrag shifter? [. . . ]